


Week One

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Series: Covalent Bonds [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Pesterlog, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Quadrant Confusion, Trollstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2013-05-30
Packaged: 2017-12-13 10:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="black">-- tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo Bearded Wizard Slash on board FUCK PARADOX SPACE IN EVERY SINGLE BLACK HOLE: THE MOVIE --</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="ROSE">TT: This shall serve as a repository for my magnum opus.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="ROSE">TT: I tease. This is a chronicle of my early days of trollhood. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="DAVE">TG: yes plz tell us everything about you playing ye olde alien trouser flute </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="black">-- tentacleTherapist [TT] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from memo Bearded Wizard Slash --</span>
</p><p><span class="ROSE">TT: I would never dare to steal the thunder from your own memo, dear brother. </span><br/>--<br/>Collection of logs to bridge the first week after Covalent.<br/>1) Rose & various; Feferi<br/>2) Dirk & Tavros, Dirk & Dave<br/>3) Jade & Gamzee<br/>4) Roxy & Eridan<br/>5) Dirk & Roxy & ??</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo Bearded Wizard Slash on board FUCK PARADOX SPACE IN EVERY SINGLE BLACK HOLE: THE MOVIE --

TT: This shall serve as a repository for my magnum opus.   
TT: I tease. This is a chronicle of my early days of trollhood.    
TG: yes plz tell us everything about you playing ye olde alien trouser flute 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from memo Bearded Wizard Slash --

TT: I would never dare to steal the thunder from your own memo, dear brother.    
TT: I might have wanted to keep track of the first three days. Oh well. They are indelibly engraved in my mind, especially the parts I might wish to eventually forget.    
TT: Note to self, find way to destroy Eridan Ampora's screencaps of my breasts. Not that I truly mind him having them -- they are merely fat deposits now, not even milk-producing glands any longer, so they are even more pointless, if pleasant to the touch...    
TT: Though I am honestly wondering whether that isn't mostly habit and subconscious expectations. Hm. Must ask Kanaya.    
TT: Am wondering if replacing Eridan's files with pictures of dead fishes would be considered blackflirting.    
CG: YES. ACTUALLY.    
TT: Thank you, Karkat. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] banned carcinoGeneticist [CG] from memo Bearded Wizard Slash --

TT: I shall refrain, then.    
GG: idk i never did play much with my boobs! theyve always been mostly bothersome. :/    
TT: Good, a second point of data.    
GG: :D now we just have to get jane and roxy in here and well be 4/4! itll be way more exact than asking your girlfriend, i mean, apart from confirming or denying troll norms she cant participate in the ex human boob survey   
TT: Hm. I would still like to know if we are abnormal for trolls, though.    
GG: its not like youre planning to get your boobs touched by anyone else are you?? :??    
TT: Who knows.    
TT: You do realize that, as trolls now living on Alternia under the empress' rule, we may one day be expected to contribute to the slurry?    
GG: :?    
TT: As in, we will have to provide filled buckets.    
TT: I have not yet found in myself any honestly caliginous feelings, and am not sure whether they're more hormonal or cultural in nature; we might not ever have the correct context to form proper ones. Nevertheless we might well be expected to one day find kismeses.    
GG: oh. huh. yeah okay i didnt think of that!! D:    
GG: wow i have no idea what you do with a kismesis. apart from bitey kisses i mean. must research!!!    
TT: So I might, in fact, one day, have someone else touch my boobs.    
GG: yeah hmmm :/    
GG: well at least kanaya probably wont mind at all :D   
GG: i mean shell need one too wont she   
TT: ... Indeed.    
TT: If you will excuse me, I must return to my note-taking. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] banned gardenGnostic [GG] from memo Bearded Wizard Slash --

TT: Let's make a human women memo later, though.    
TT: In any case.    
TT: I also seem to have acquired something of a part-time roommate.    
TT: But I must pause this chronicling endeavor for the moment; there she is again. 

\--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] started trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] --

TT: Feferi. I notice on a surveillance camera that the backdoor to my hive has been left open.    
TT: Suspicious puddles of a no doubt salty nature spread on my kitchen floor.    
TT: It does seem they are making their slow, meandering way to my pantry.    
TT: One might wonder how such a mysterious event could possibly happen.    
CC: )(i, Rose!    
CC: You're out of kraken steak! T)(at's reely negligent.    
TT: How remiss of me.    
CC: SUP--ER remoramiss.    
CC: I caug)(t too muc)(, so I broug)(t you some! Just being neig)(borly. 38D   
TT: I... see.    
TT: This has, of course, nothing to do with my stock of smoked salmon, which is disappearing at an alarming rate.    
CC: T)(at IS a weird conc)(incidence. 38O   
TT: Feferi.    
CC: T)(at's my name, don't wear it out. 38D   
CC: W)(oops, look at t)(e time! I'll miss t)(e tide.    
TT: I would very much appreciate a reassurance that this is not some strange seadweller courtship maneuver, or failing that, at least an explanation of which quadrant it is you are courting me in.    
CC: Don't sea w)(at you're talking aboat. Later, Rose!    
TT: It is reedeelculous, and even morse, porpoisterous, that I mast pull out the big cannons to force an explanation out of you, but do not bereef one finstant I won't dive down to your depths.    
CC: Curses, )(arpooned by your puns.    
TT: You have been at my hive so often these last days I am starting to wonder whether you spend any time at all in yours. I would appreciate an explanation.    
CC: If you stop t)(e fis)( puns I am going to wriggle out of your net and swim back )(ome!    
TT: ... You are terribubbly bratty, aren't you.    
CC: LI---ES! I am exceeldingly nice. Everyone says so.    
TT: Everyone has a grievous issue with their brains and might want to consult a reputable sturgeon.    
CC: )(e)(e)(e)(e. 38D   
TT: An explanavigation, Feferi. This is too needling for a morayeel courtship, but if you were looking for a kismefish I would expect more... mordant.    
TT: As far as I recall you alreedy have a mantasprit.    
TT: Feferi.    
TT: I am battling a lot of strange urges recently, and while instinctively I wish you no harm, I am not at the time looking to fill either pale or caliginous quadrant, and there is a part of me that would love to turn confusion into outright, platonic hostility.    
CC: Sig)(.    
CC: Alrig)(t, if you're going to be so searious aboat it.    
CC: It's not reelly flirting. I just like t)(e way you snap and try to )(arry me back into line, it's finny.    
TT: I am exceedingly glad to hear it.    
CC: You're always so conc)(cerned aboat t)(e propeller order of some t)(ings! And you never )(esitate to t)(wap me for me. But you're not mean aboat it eit)(er. It's nice.    
CC: Also I don't know what to do wit)( my nig)(ts in that )(UG-E )(ive now t)(at I don't have to feed Mom anemonemore and all my cuttlefi)(s swam off. 38(   
TT: Oh. That's all?    
CC: Pretty muc)(. *s)(rug*   
TT: I guess in that case the term of "hatefriend" proves itself remarkably accurate. :)    
CC: )(a)(a)(a)(a)(a)(a)(a.    
CC: You forgot your )(orns, silly!    
TT: My apologies. =:( Is this in any way morayeelgreeable?    
CC: )(---E)(-E)(-E! Y-----ES!    
TT: Good. I would eel so terribubble otterwise.    
TT: Do not be surprised if the salmon you just, ah, borrowed, tastes a little peppery somehow, by the way.    
TT: But I sea my warning comes too late. I am devastided.    
CC: YOU SN---EAKY B--EAC)(. I'M SN--E--EZING OUT T)(ROUG)( MY GILLS!    
CC: You're kind of awesome. 3XD   
TT: Feferi, no, those are my preserves of -- damn it.    
CC: S-EA YOU TOMORROW, ROS---E, IF YOU CAN CATC)( M--E!    
CC: (Boat t)(e way, you forgot a quadrant. 38D) 

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] stopped trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TT: ... I see I should acquire a thorough auspisticism primer off a reputable source post-haste.    
TT: Who is our third even supposed to be? Is it at all possible to feel ashen stirrings for a single person, outside of a pacifying situation?    
TT: Did I make things worse or better by what may in effect be considered flirting back?    
TT: Curse you, Feferi Peixes, for infecting me with these questions when everyone else is asleep. 

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

CC: 3>8DDDDDD c3< )(a)(a)(a)(a)(a. 

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] stopped trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --


	2. Chapter 2

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] started trolling adiosToreador [AT] --

TT: Yo, dude that I've never spoken to firsthand. Dirk Strider, ex-human, Dave's bro. And you're Tavros Nitram. Sollux sent me.    
TT: Mind if I pick your brain a bit? In a purely figurative way.    
AT: oH,, nOT AT ALL,    
TT: About literal brain-picking.    
AT: uHHHH,    
AT: wOULD YOU, pERHAPS, cLARIFY THIS STATEMENT WHICH IS SOMEWHAT WORRISOME, bEHIND ITS VAGUENESS   
TT: Yeah, it was meant to be worrisome.    
AT: uHH,    
TT: All cards on the table: it worries me.    
TT: When I was turned into a troll, apparently Sburb saw fit to grant me a bitchin' ability to know when some dude I don't know from Adam is having a fierce attack of manpain about some bitch who dumped him.    
TT: I also receive a lot of static about people happily getting laid, hatefully getting laid, and happily being cockblocked from getting laid. In a hateful way. Either it's spring or trolls are a randy lot.    
AT: tHE SECOND BIT SOUNDS MORE LIKE A THING THAT IS TRUE, };D   
TT: I am certainly getting an education in troll matters.    
AT: aRE YOU TRYING TO SAY, tHAT YOU NOW HAVE PSYCHIC POWERS, wHICH YOU DID OBVIOUSLY NOT USE TO HAVE DUE TO BEING HUMAN, wHO DON'T HAVE PSYCHIC POWERS AT ALL?    
TT: That is indeed exactly what I have been saying.    
AT: aND YOUR ABILITY TO BLOCK,,, iS SOMEWHAT SHIT,    
TT: It is completely shit. The shit is invading the world like a diarrhea tsunami bursting forth from the chafed buttocks of some legendary giantess. Orphans are being drowned in runny fecal matter as we speak.    
TT: Only you can save them, by offering me tips about the best way to clench down.    
AT: hAHAHA   
AT: i LAUGH, bECAUSE IT'S A FUNNY IF GROSS IMAGE, bUT PROBABLY IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY FOR YOU,    
AT: bUT,,,,,,,,    
TT: I appreciate the appreciation of my attempt at levity, though.    
AT: mY ANIMAL COMMUNION WORKS, pRECISELY IN THE POWERFUL AND BADASS WAY IT DOES, bECAUSE i DON'T USE SHIELDS AT ALL, wITH THEM   
AT: rEDIRECTION AND DEFLECTION ARE THINGS i DO A LOT OF, wHEN i'M TIRED OF LISTENING, aND IT TIRES ME LESS THAN HOLDING UP A SHIELD TO BLOCK THEM COLD WOULD, sO I HAVE MORE POWER FOR COMMUNING WITH BEASTS, wHICH MAKES ME EVEN MORE BADASS,,,    
AT: bUT THAT IS ONLY A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE ANIMALS CAN'T TAKE A TROLL OVER, aND i SUSPECT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO GO THAT WAY,    
AT: aND YOU PROBABLY REALLY SHOULDN'T, aNYWAY,    
TT: Shit.    
TT: No spare piece of advice on how to shield?    
AT: jUST ONE, aND i'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT IT,    
TT: I'm going to have to talk to Vriska.    
AT: yOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO vRISKA,    
TT: Figured.    
TT: Any advice about how to deal with Vriska?    
TT: And make sure she doesn't leave me with a gaping hole in my shields for her to slip in? Or just slip in for the hell of it when I admit my problem to her, for that matter.    
AT: uHHHHH,,,,,,,,    
AT: sORRY, tHAT IS ALSO A THING i WOULD LIKE TO KNOW }:(   
TT: Damn.    
TT: Oh well. If I figure something out, I'll kick it over to you.    
TT: Thanks anyway, Nitram. Time to go brave the spider. 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] stopped trolling adiosToreador [AT] --

AT: i HEAR sOLLUX LIKES YOU, iN HIS OWN CRANKY CONTRARY WAY, aND aRADIA WOULD BE SAD IF sOLLUX WAS SAD, aND IT BOTHERS ME QUITE A BIT WHEN aRADIA IS SAD, sO PLEASE DO NOT DIE, eVEN A LITTLE BIT,    
AT: iF YOU CAN,    
AT: tHAT WOULD BE PRETTY RAD,, aND MAYBE EVEN SWELL, 

\--

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] started trolling adiosToreador [AT] --

TT: Still alive.    
TT: I have a headache the size of a Denizen, though. Any drugs available to your average brownblood in this fine urban center that work on it?    
AT: nOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE, sORRY,,, uNLESS YOU HAPPENED TO HAVE, vERY GOOD FRIENDS, pOSSIBLY OF THE KISSING VARIETY, WHO WERE ALSO GREEN OR UP, mAYBE,    
AT: nORMAL PAINKILLERS WILL TAKE THE EDGE OFF, i THINK, tHOUGH IT'S EASY TO OVERDOSE, sO DON'T DO THAT, iT WOULD BE A SOMEWHAT STUPID DEATH,    
AT: wHAT DID SHE MAKE YOU DO, aND IS ANYONE DEAD THIS TIME AROUND,    
TT: Nothing, I beat her back.    
TT: Then she signed off congratulating me about acing her super-awesome fastest badassest method of sink-or-swim psychic training in a way that completely failed to hide how miffed she was about it.    
TT: My tender brain meat feels like I literally slapped someone in the snout with it, though.    
AT: oKAY YES, tHAT IS SOMEWHAT, aND EVEN QUITE, bADASS,    
TT: My middle name.    
AT: wHAT'S A MIDDLE NAME,    
AT: iS IT LIKE AN ADULT TITLE, bECAUSE i REGRET TO INFORM YOU, tHERE ARE TWO LETTERS TOO FEW,    
AT: tHAT AND YOU ARE STILL A DOZEN SWEEPS TOO YOUNG FOR ONE,,    
TT: ...    
TT: You know what, today feels like a day for firsts.    
TT: I'm going to bed early. 

\--

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Hey, bro.    
TG: hey whassup   
TT: Busy?    
TG: not really why   
TT: I have a random and sudden hankering for human stories.    
TT: Entirely human, alien-free, ordinary start-of-the-twenty-first-century stories.    
TG: oh   
TG: youre basically handing me a blank check and entrusting yourself to my innate honesty but hey its your credulity money you waste it however you want   
TG: i can spin human stories all night baby   
TT: That's cool. I'm free all night.    
TG: huh   
TG: ok   
TG: better switch to voice text your eyes will go kablooey from all the sicknasty marvels of daytime tv and high school hijinx im about to impart   
TT: There. I am in bed with my eyes closed, waiting for daddy to tell me his bedtime story, call me princess, and tuck me in.    
TT: Lay it on me.    
TG: you got it bro   
TG: one human story coming right up


	3. Chapter 3

GG: goddamnit landed on a rock in the middle of the sea AGAIN!!!    
GG: i dont get it!!! i found you and john and terezi super easy, what gives!    
AC: :33 < *ac wonders as well as this is purretty furrisome*   
AC: :33 < *sadly she isnt even a lil bit psychic and has no clue to offur* :((    
GG: bluh. im going back to my last landing, brb. 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] stopped trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] --   
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] started trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] --

GG: and NOW im landing perfectly. >:/    
AC: :33 < hmmm.    
AC: :33 < *ac just thought of something*   
AC: :33 < to pounce you have to know where you want to land, sure, but you have to know your own footing too! maybe you just dont know your area well enough.    
GG: huh. so how do you explain how i found everyone else on the first try?    
GG: your theory sounds kinda dubious. >:/    
AC: :33 < i dont know! >:(( im just trying to help. dont snap at me!    
AC: :33 < im worried for rawrxy too, okay? >://    
GG: trying again. 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] stopped trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] --   
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] started trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] --

GG: OFF COURSE AGAIN!    
AC: :33 < but clowdser, right?    
GG: mnrgh i guess. >://    
GG: ... oh. huh. i think i know where i am.    
AC: :33 < you do? where?    
GG: just   
GG: someplace i think jadesprite saw in a bubble?? :D;;;    
AC: :33 < thats not furry infurmative ://    
GG: brb! :D;    
AC: :33 < gg! DD:<   
AC: :33 < no wait, tell me where you are furst!!!    
AC: :33 < jade?    
AC: :33 < >://    
AC: :33 < you're impawsible. 

\--

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] started trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --

GG: so ... your beach is really nice!    
GG: i hope im not stopping you from using it. 

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] is idle! --

GG: i bet youre wondering what im doing here.    
GG: im space human woofbeast girl btw in case you forgot or didnt give a shit or something.    
GG: and no i wasnt coming to see you, i was trying to get to roxys place but i keep getting pulled off course   
GG: and i think

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] is idle! --

GG: its always way easier to find *people* and you were around and since i cant get to roxy because shes still all voidy somehow i was just pulled to the closest next player???    
GG: well maybe. :/    
GG: maybe its that crew thing, i dunno

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] is idle! --

GG: your back door is still wide open, you know :/    
GG: im starting to think maybe i should have a look   
GG: not that i care much about you honestly, it was a series of serious asshole moves that you did, but for some reason karkat does care! so at least ill be able to tell him you didnt die of hitting your head on a cupboard door or anything.    
GG: okay, im coming in!    
TC: don't.    
GG: aha!    
GG: give me a good reason not to. >:(    
TC: imma crack your thinkpan in two if you step walkfrond inside my motherfucking hive.    
GG: i guess that works! :/    
GG: ill wait until i have a slightly better reason to walk in, i suppose   
TC: you got your check on to this motherfucker's aliveness status. now wander your ass off my sandplane.    
GG: id say make me but really youd have to get out of your hive for it   
GG: and we both know thats not going to happen. :/    
GG: anyway im tired after teleporting so much! psychic powers arent like in-game stuff, im not being powered by the nearest convenient green sun, so......    
GG: okay, yes, its very nice to sit here, i still dont get how moonlight can be warm but this one is pretty nice!    
GG: pink moonlight is super pretty too   
TC: what the fuck do you want.    
GG: me? nothing.    
GG: im sure nep would like to kill you a little still, but she wont.    
GG: karkat wont say it out loud but hed really like to make sure youre alive and at least okayish   
GG: even if im not sure how well hed deal with talking to you face to face just yet, it might be a bit early for that........ :/    
GG: hm.    
GG: you know, humans do this thing thats a bit like auspisticism, only its to get friends or boyfriends to be on good terms again   
GG: do you guys need me to?    
TC: GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING DEPRAVED NOISE SHUT THE FUCK OFF. I AIN'T GOT THE NEED TO HAVE MY OCULARS ASSAULTED BY IT.    
GG: oh, you dont, mister shut in his own hive, not even going out in the moonlight or talking to ANYONE AT ALL even though hes online anyway!!!    
GG: its like a huge COME AND BEG ME TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN and youre a total asshole to do that to karkat when youre the one who fucked up!!!!!    
TC: YOU THINKING WITH YOUR SHITPAN I DON'T ALL TO KNOWING THAT?    
TC: get the fuck off my sandplane.    
GG: no.    
TC: BITCH, GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOTHERFUCKING SANDPLANE.    
GG: i dont see your name on it, so no!    
TC: imma write my sign on it with your swillblood.    
GG: no you wont   
TC: you sound up and sure of that, sister.    
GG: yeah, because actually i am!!    
GG: first, because you move super fast, but i can teleport instantly. whoops! cant touch me.    
TC: that all to be sounding like an invite to up and try.    
GG: a bit! :DD   
GG: second, because it would make karkat cry. 

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] is idle! --

GG: half because he likes me and ill be dead   
GG: but the bigger half because you killed someone again.    
GG: someone who was zero danger to you, because you flipped out and threw a big whiny tantrum, and he wasnt there to stop you.    
GG: and its your own fault hes not here to stop you, and you know that, and i know that, and karkat knows that   
GG: but he never really believed it.    
GG: he feels like hes been failing you from the start   
GG: like everything youve done it was his fault    
GG: like maybe he didnt make you feel enough like you could talk to him about everything, when we both know you didnt give a shit about his opinions anyway and youd have just nodded in the wind and done your own fucked up thing   
GG: i dont even know why im trying to make you talk to him again   
GG: maybe because he needs a clean break before he can move on   
GG: and maybe im a motherfucking troll now and maybe i want to give this moirail thing a try????    
TC: shut up.    
GG: why should i?    
TC: you don't got your knowledge on about things, woofsis, so imma schoolfeed you.    
TC: karkat should never fucking get his talking back with me ever. i am a piece of shit off the universe frog's ass, he himself said, and i say, this is the righteous truth.    
GG: :(    
TC: go off and be all with the happiness of red and green bucket swirls if you feel what that calls you on.    
TC: go off and put mitt to his snout like how i never did and could, even.    
TC: BUT QUIT WITH THE CRAMMING IT ALL UP MY MOTHERFUCKING SNOUT.    
TC: i will kill you.    
TC: I WILL MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU SHALL YOU KEEP FLAPPING FUCKING GUMS ABOUT PICKING UP WHAT I DONE THROWN DOWN AND AWAY.    
GG: hmmmmmm...    
GG: nope. >:(    
TC: BITCH, YOU WANT FUCKING CULLED???    
GG: i want to   
GG: huh.    
TC: HUH WHAT.    
GG: you know, he annoys the heck out of me, sometimes :)    
GG: but i still want him to be happy   
GG: and also his whining is getting REALLY tedious!!!    
TC: what the fuck you up and on, chica.    
GG: hehe. i wonder if thats what ashen feels like! :D because yeah, some days i just want to thwap him on the head until he stops being stupid!! but like, not in a kissing way.    
TC: that does sound like a thing ashen up and feels like, woofsis.    
TC: more darker so than the paler fires, but what do i know.    
GG: and you know, i know you guys arent in hate, but i think im still going to shove some human things in it.    
TC: KEEP THAT NASTY BLASPHEMOUS NOISE BEHIND YOUR FUCKING CHOMPNUBS.    
TC: you space monkeys are straight up filthy.    
GG: we totally are! ;D   
TC: i don't need no ashensis to put the patch on things with my palebro   
GG: :DDD!    
TC: ex palebro   
GG: :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD c3<>!!!    
TC: ex being the sneaky lil word what brings it magical meaning-flip kung-fu grip to the sentence like a badass little gab ninja.    
GG: >:D just like karkat!    
TC: haha yeah kinda   
GG: >:D!!!    
TC: ...    
GG: ...    
GG: c3<> c3<> c3<> c3<> c3<>~~~~~~~~~~!!    
TC: awwwww fuck )o: 

\--

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] started trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] --

GG: so i dont know if this counts as filling a quadrant or not..... :D;;;;    
AC: :OO < !!!!!!!    
AC: :OO < TALK. NOW. 


	4. Chapter 4

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

TG: heyoooo neighbor! hope im not botherin you :3   
CA: wwhat the hell are you evven doin on my chumproll peasant   
CA: i swwear im goin ta cull all of you ex pink space monkeys outta my computer   
CA: maybe from other places while im at it   
TG: wow someone is a big crankypants today   
TG: lmao peasant    
CA: its wwhat you are wwhat are you goin ta do about it   
TG: you want to talk about PEASANTS??? i just checked on a color wheel & my blood color might be darker than my text now but its FUCKING HIGHER THAN YOURS, so SUCK IT!!    
CA: wwhat   
TG: hahahaha yeeessss suck my big fish troll bulge, PEASANT   
TG: wow do i get excitable easily in this body. D:    
CA: wwho the fuck evven cares about the hemospectrum anywway the only real sign a royalty is gills that actually fuckin wwork do you havve that   
TG: check! :3   
CA: wwell i guess you get ta be the only survvivvin ex monkey on my roll   
CA: but im not in the mood to chat right noww so troll me later maybe   
TG: wow, my humble exmonkeyness is tons of super flattered, like, WOW   
TG: youre an awesome example of noblesse oblige and all that crap!! *swoon swoon*   
CA: i dont knoww if youre blackflirtin or just bein a nag but fuckin seriously NOT NOWW IM BUSY wwhat dont you get about that   
TG: but i notice ur still talking 2 me instead of just leaving or smth   
TG: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what could this possibly mean   
TG: how bout you tell me what youre so busy with & i tell you how full of crap you are?    
TG: is it like ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP full or this glass is half empty cause i drank the other half already full?? Maybe THIS SHIT IS ABOUT TO BURST???    
CA: okay noww youre definitely blackflirtin   
CA: uh   
CA: wwhat evven is your name i cant call you the pink pink monkey thats stupid   
TG: i am soooo totally not flirting   
TG: okay maybe a lil bit, but only to figure out how blackflirting works   
TG: also that shit is bananas, i get angry so fast its just like PCHOOOO from normal roxy to MAKE MY DAY MOTHERFUCKER roxy (btw my name is totes not roxy)    
CA: aint gonna be much longer roxy aint a proper troll name at all good job blendin in wwith that   
TG: yeah, on my placronym its written like rokshi ://///    
TG: fuck the system IM A REBEL   
TG: im the rebelliest rebel youve ever seen like whoa the experience in defying the fishbitch dude i started when i was barely a wiggler, all going around bein alive against orders n shit n taking no sass from anyone   
CA: youre totally drunk on adrenalin howw bout you go shark fishin or somethin to spend it a bit   
CA: talk to one a your many moirails the slutty ex monkey you are cant be lackin in those an calm your no longer mammalian tits instead a afflicting your moods on unsuspectin and undeservvin trolls   
TG: aww shit i didnt want to ever be drunk again whoops   
TG: i cant talk to them nywayz im way too jittery theyd only fret more cause they cant get 2 me atm   
TG: also stop trying to deflect me onto other people, im talkin 2 U   
TG: u cant deflect me dude dont bother im like a shit finding missile dropping from the atmosphere laser guided n all that good stuff   
CA: or i can just block you   
CA: havvent yet because youre somewhat ovva good distraction i guess but im starting to seriously lose patience   
CA: WWHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EVVEN WWANT fuckin tell me already    
TG: pff id like 2 see u try 2 block me   
TG: just saying i had a hacking battle w/the yellow dude the other day & he lost, soooooooo   
CA: blah blah fuckin blah   
CA: shit or get off the pot im this close to just turnin off my husktop   
CA: chuck it into the sea evven aint like anythin good ever comes from it   
TG: okayyyyyyyyyyyyy fine mister grumpfins   
TG: we managed to triangulate my coordinates w/ sollypoo & turns out ur my closest neighbor!!    
TG: also turns out jade cant 'port to my place for some weird reason even tho she can cover the distance 'n shit & the trolls who fly keep missing my rad house from above   
TG: so i was thinking... maybe........ youd be okay with me coming to ur place instead??? n seein if jade can find me THERE or what   
TG: or at least find YOU while i just happen 2 be conveniently nearby   
CA: wwhat   
CA: you wwant to come to my place   
CA: are you evven awware of wwhat you just said did you ask any of the other trolls   
TG: aradia and sollux and nepeta were in the chatroom and they didnt say anything :?    
CA: they wwouldnt   
TG: why, does ur house suck or smth?    
CA: fucken assbloods   
CA: an my hivve is fuckin majestic okay get your brain wwrapped around that   
CA: it aint some piece a ugly drone made prefab its an actual honest to gog galleon from the precolonial era that belonged to a real feared corsassailant   
CA: wwho just so happened to be my fuckin ancestor   
CA: not the lame wwannabe human one from the game the one wwho actually wwent out an wwrecked a lot a shit for centuries on end   
TG: haha wow now i really want to see it   
CA: wwhat really   
TG: sure! sounds pretty cool :3   
TG: so can i visit u???    
CA: i wwas tryin ta fuckin tell you imbecile that trolls as high caste as wwe are havve this thing called a territorial fuckin instinct    
CA: you drop by at your owwn risks an perils   
CA: i mean not that vvisitin is impossible but there are forms to observve    
TG: yup, still sounds hells of neat :333   
TG: ill be there in three hours, you can explain 2 me in person!    
CA: noww wwait a fuckin minute here

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

CA: my hive is a fuckin mess wwithout my lusus an   
CA: aww shit   
CA: are you hittin on me or not

\--------------

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] started trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

GG: okay im at eridans! fucking finally aaaaargh. WHERE ARE YOU!??!?!    
TG: :33 omg your clothes are so cute. HUGGLEBOMB TIME!    
GG: arjktgcv:;!:!* 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] dropped her computer in the sea! --


	5. Chapter 5

\-- uranianUmbra [UU] started trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

UU: hUllo dearie! i dare hope yoU did not miss me too badly? ^u^    
TG: OH MY GOG CALLIOPE YOURE ALIVE!!!!!!    
TG: CALLIOPE CALILOPECALIORPECAALIOPEADSFHKGTAAAA   
UU: indeed! i am very, very alive, and can i give yoU my most heartfelt congratUlations for the masterfUl way yoU banded together with yoUr friends and defeated the game and its evil, repUlsive, frUstratingly relentless last boss?    
TG: CALIORPE CALLIOPE CALIOERMPE OMG OMGOMGOMGOGOGMGOG   
UU: roxy, roxy! ;U;    
TG: CALLIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE omg i called so much for you i was so sad when we had to leave the game without even seeing you again like THE MOTHRFUCKIN *SADDEST*   
UU: oh, love. ~U~ im so sorry.    
TG: BUT UR ALIVE!!!!!! ;^U^;   
TG: this is the BEST motherfucking day!!!!    
UU: my deepest apologies for not telling yoU any sooner i was aroUnd, it was something of a major problem figUring oUt how to get the laptop to work when we were both intangible. :U   
UU: becaUse the second i cease being intangible, gUess who pops Up to try to kill me again! trUly, hes IMPOSSIBLE, i had to trip him down the stairs.    
UU: i hope he broke his nose.    
TG: ........    
TG: tell me u dont mean who i think u mean. 

\-------------

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] started trolling timaeusTestified [TT] --

uu: DIRK.    
uu: TELL ME YOU ARE NOT ALSO. A FuCKING TROLL.    
uu: I REQuIRE YOu. TO TELL ME THAT. POST-HASTE.    
TT: Oh mother fuck. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Week One [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8737663) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




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